Six String Samurai, or What The Heck!

(Post simulcast in Utahnics)*

In case you don't know, Netflix now has a feature where you can view movies online as well as get Dividy-Dees (DVD's to the uninformed) in the mail. So I thought I'd try out this new fangled gizmowatchit and started perusing their Sears-Roebuck (catalog to you squares) looking at my options like The Ice Pirates or Zone 39. (With titles like those you know it's going to be good.)

So finally after passing by such high quality movies, I ran across one called Six String Samurai. Now I know what you're thinking, 'How can anyone not immediately hit play with a title like that?' and I'll agree with you, I almost did. But since this intracomputerwidget has changed my habits I decided to check it out first.

My researchin' turned up all sorts of viewer reviews and dang it most people seemed to like it. So what the heck, let's hit play on that sucker!

So's I gets it going and we got some good old farm country with some troglodytes chasing a woman and her son, which reminds me of the good old days. Then this Buddy Holly looking stranger comes in and slices and dices with his sword but he was too late to save the woman. After he kills them he picks up his geetar and heads off to Lost Vegas to become the king. (In the movie Elvis is dead which you know is a lie.)
Then the kid, who doesn't seem too broken up about his momma being killed, starts to follow Buddy.

But this kid is like a eunuch in a whorehouse, (worthless, to you uppity types) and he starts making this sound like someone's gone and shoved a carrot in his bunghole and it won't come out. Now Buddy, he don't cotton to kids none, but this is a persistent little mother trucker who follows him through the whole movie.

Now I won't go into much more detail, (cause I don't want to ruinate it fors ya) but Buddy has to chop his way through a whole passel of folk like the synchronized bowling assassination team, the Red Elvis's (a real band by the way, I think they're Russian), Slash and the left overs from Gun's N Roses, windmill whorshipping zombie spacemen, garbage bag wearing gas mask faced Morlocks, and the remains of the Red Army all to get to Lost Vegas, because the King is dead and Buddy's next in line. (The show just starts off on the wrong foot with a lie like that.)

So after all of that yer probably thinking that this is a great movie, and I can't blame you, but lemme just say that if it twern't free I'da been screaming for my two bits back. The little bunghole stuffer, ruins the show but I think the biggest problem was that the man who wrote it can't find a decent line of dialogue to save himself from drowning in a teacup that he dang stuffed his own nose into.

But I will says this to ya, if'n you don't takes it too serious, it has some great one liners in there, and I wish old Buddy coulda found someone to trade that kid for a ratchet.

*Utahnics: If the dialect from the American South and the American West met, converted to the LDS faith, and had babies this would be the result.